Dearest *,
It has been at least a year, maybe two. I have stopped counting because it does more harm than good to my head space. I do know however that the thought of reaching out and writing this has been with me for too long. You would hate the idea of your business being anyone else's, but this is the only way that makes sense (to me) for me to write this. If I write a letter I fear you would simply tear it up without reading it, if I was to contact you via facebook/text messaging/email I also fear your response would break me. I have decided to hide behind this blog, use it as a shield to allow me to say all I have wanted to for so long. Thoughts that I think every single day of my life.
So here I am, writing, reaching out to let you know that I love you. That I may not fully understand all that has happened (how can I? I'm not a mum, nor have I had to deal with any of the shit that you have), but I respect your choices. Letting you know that I am devastated that I am missing out on so many special moments, missing whole lives. Missing you.
I ask you to respect my choices, to try and see that I don't see any of this as two sided. That there is no black and white, right or wrong in this for me. That I have had to do what I see as best for me. That I am still struggling with depression, anxiety, and that I still find it so fucking hard to get out of bed sometimes. And that is on a good day. Trying to make you see that I cannot hold on to any bitterness or resentment toward anyone as that is just inviting in more 'trouble' that I really do not have the ability to cope with. This is why I have chosen to forgive her. Why I choose not to hate, or to hold onto any of it. By choosing to forgive it does not mean that I condone any of the behaviours, or that any of what went on is okay. Some of what has happened makes me vomit, it makes me angry and used to make hope that she would change. To try and help her change. The hope that she will someday change will always be with me, I will not however hold my breath for it.
Nor does my choice to forgive the wrongdoings indicate that I am standing there with an open heart waiting for it to happen to me again. Once again, my grip on a happy head space is too perilous to risk that. I choose instead to forgive and to love the person, not the behaviour. Not the easiest thing to do, and I'm not saying that my decision is correct for anyone but me. You gotta do what gotta to do. This way is my best chance of survival. The best chance of my continuing to work toward the life I want to.
I'm more than sure that changes you've made were agonising for you also. But the best thing for your family, for you. Survival. I won't even pretend to understand any of what you've been though. You're such a strong and beautiful person despite all that has happened. When I have babies I only hope I can be half the mum you are.
Knowing that my deciding to let go of the resentment alienates me from you, and your gorgeous family rips me apart every single day. Often I find something that you would love, or thinking 'I just have to tell * about this' and then it hits me. A kick in the guts all over again.
I'm not telling you any of this for any reason except to let you know that love you, that the door is always, ALWAYS, open. That if you ever need anything, or just want to reach back out I am here. That I love you and always will.
My head Doctor told me this -
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
Because as I said earlier, I've enough shit stacked up against me by just being me, there is no call for me to add to it all anymore.
I hope this makes some sort of sense, i just wanted a chance to share what led to my decisions. And that I am definitely holding my breath for the day I can have you back. For you to be there the day my babies are born, even to just be able to have you over for a pot of tea. To have you as my guide, to know that you're only ever a phone call away for advice, a shoulder, just reassurance that I'm not a totally shitty person. To see the little ones grow and learn. Share in that wonder. That joy. Waiting so I can be there for you. For you to make good natured fun of. To share recipes with you. Take photos. To love you unconditionally. A million other things.
One day I hope I am strong enough to print this and post it. To make sure you read it. Its in the back of my head that you will see this anyways, and that scares me shittless. But also brings me a little peace. Because as I said, this is some stuff that has been in my head and heart for too long.
