Right now

Of late, being as busy as I've been, my self-care has been the first thing for me to neglect. Because of this, the past few days or so I have felt myself sliding downward, my mood dipping into the start of a really bad place for it to be in. This neglect of myself a knock on effect to the rest of my life as I skip the gym because I am tired, eat like crap because I cannot "be bothered" and give in to outside demands that I really don't need to I get more tired and skip more and keep on spiraling.

I've not had any time to myself to just do nothing for a few weeks either which makes for a very shirty me. All of that, and the fact that I've been in a really horrible sleeping pattern (or more like not-being-able-to-get-to-sleep-and-stay asleep-because-my-brain-wont-turn-off-pattern) has found me in this moment.

You know how people describe depression as a black dog? It is totally like one, but mine if more like a fly on a hot summer's day when you're trying to eat outdoors. It just won't fuck off.

No matter how much you swat at it, try to squash it, or even just shoo it away, it just keeps getting all up in business. Landing on your food/face and hovering noisily in your space. Seriously, nothing seems to get it to leave.

The depression just keeps on creeping in, and it makes me so angry that I have to keep dealing with it. Keeps flying back at me. Sometimes I want to kick, scream, and throw myself on the ground like a small child. NOT FAIR :(

But alas, it is still here. Perhaps I might be deemed as one of the lucky ones that can maintain with exercise, diet, adequate sleep etc. At least meds are not part of the equation for me, not anymore anyway. It is just SO FUCKING HARD though. UYSIOHDAPSORFJoisdgbfiosdfhaspfhiOPOHafiuegoihgahhhhhhhhhh!

To get up, to get myself to the gym/go for a walk. To not eat the 'good right now foods' that leave me low. 
Just to exist is exhausting.