Back to the beginning...again

There is so much that I desire in this life. For myself, my relationship, for my future child/children.
I know the steps that I need to take to get there.
A loose time frame for what I wish to achieve.

Yet I continue to lose time and go in circles.

My anxiety surrounding this wasting of life is all consuming at times.

And still, I fail to progress in any way. Actually, I have gone backward in some aspects so I guess that is some form of progress lol.

Knowing the issues, knowing how to get there, even knowing where to start is very very different from actually doing.

Being mindful enough to pause, recognise the urges for what they are, to make choices that will be in line with my desires for this life. It seems impossible right now to me, but it is the only way to stop avoiding life.

Sure, I am alive but I have not been living at all.

So today I begin. Right now, this moment. Not tomorrow, or "later". This instant. Again.

As hard as I am on myself, being aware enough to know there is more to life and to not be content with 'good enough' is such a blessing. I am only 26 yet I know people decades older that are so very unhappy and have not lived. Sure I have missed much of my youth due to sickness, and having to re-learn alot of basics in my early twenties, but I still have much ahead of me.

So much living to do!

Bitterness be gone

In my heart I have so many dreams and desires for my life. They may not seem significant to many, and sometimes I myself don't feel as though they are "enough" I don't have these huge plans for world domination, or fame, or even massive wealth. A house of my own, a bubba on my hip, and the love of my life by my side would mean more than all of the gazillion dollars in the world.

 To be a mamma, to love and to be loved back. To make a difference in my world.

 To break this cycle of hatred, bitterness, and dwelling on the past that is ever present in my family.

 It breaks my heart that they can not see the ramifications of their actions. To walk away from it all, to be unforgiving or unable to see that life is not black and white. Family, in my experience anyhow, can be pretty effing frustrating and hurtful at times. They might behave in hurtful ways, break trust time and time again, manipulate etc etc. But they are your family. Your blood, part of who you are today. The world is full enough hate, I cannot fathom actively clinging to such bitterness, of becoming so twisted.
 I can fully appreciate pulling back and protecting yourself and your loves, for that is what I have done myself. Put myself first and done what is best. It is possible to forgive but not put yourself in a position where you will be hurt again. Just sayin'

 "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned" 

- Buddha

 This running away and shutting people out of your life just perpetuates the cycle. Now I know I don't have children yet, but I hope when (and if) I do that I have enough sense to be leading by example. To be forgiving, treating myself and others with respect, to know who I am and have the guts to be that person.
 I know that I missed out on many key life experiences and relationships in my childhood because of bitterness and anger. I would not want any child of mine to have me in the way of knowing their family or of having such relationships (that is within reason of course)
I guess what I am saying - is that I love and miss my sister and hate that I have to miss out on so much because of hate and other peoples actions that have nothing much to do with me. Because I choose to forgive someone does not mean for a second that I condone their actions in the slightest. It simply means that I choose better, that I do not want my life to be the same.

I'm changing the story, starting now.

essence

es·sence

1.the basic, real, and invariable nature of a thing or its significant individual feature or features: Freedom isthe very essence of our democracy.

This week I found myself reflecting on how this space is lacking in my everyday. Due to my being time poor, the 'big events' tend to get covered, and the rest slips by unmentioned. In future I would like to remedy this by including more topics that make up my days, that mesh together and make up my world. All of the beings and events that are the very essence of my days and of me. Would like this part of my world to match up to the rest.
What better starting off point is there then my biggest obsession?

The beautiful Ruby Clare.
 When I say obsessed, it is possibly an understatement. All day long she is in my thoughts, I manage to bring conversation around to her, and as soon as we get home of an evening we seek her out for cuddles.
 Looking back into the archives on here though she had one mention. Craziness. Last time Ruby had a post of her own (here) she had not long come to live with us. At the time Ruby was quite poorly indeed, needing some vet care asap.
The vet nurse lied about the haircut coming good in a timely manner.
Only now, four months later has all her fur started to even out.

 Ruby is the most spoilt cat I have ever encountered. Feed on demand (starting with first feed at 5.50 am when she wakes us) ramps to get onto our bed and the lounge (she has a bit of trouble jumping these days) and her own blankets to snuggle. When I say her own blankets they used to be ours but she has claimed the fluffiest/warmest to nest on.

Ruby Clare's favourite pastimes -

watching the world from the window sill in the bedroom

sleeping and eating

meowing near our heads if we attempt to sleep past eight

being the most gorgeous feline ever 

sleeping

every few weeks she likes to go outside and walk on the grass a little, she then returns back inside and sleeps for several hours to recover

 We adore her and can't imagine what we did with our time before she joined us.
That, and she is now nineteen years old. NINETEEN! That's nuts.
I had no idea cats lived that long, so I googled it. Turns out Rubes is 93-ish in cat years (whoa) and the oldest a cat lived to on record is thirty something. I can't even imagine.
She is fairly frail already, so I am just stoked on every day we get of her. Would love to see her make twenty.

xo

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

Of late I have been feeling as though there is always tomorrow to become all I can be, and that second best/half hearted efforts "will do for now"
Stuck in this 'just getting by' rut for the past few weeks has turned me into a zombie. When asked "so what have you been up to lately?" pretty much the standard response is "Just working"
Going to work.
And spending time on facebook and instagram, lurking people that are out living. Dreaming of a life that looks nothing like this.

What I really desire is being able to answer working, blogging, the gym, wandering with my camera, creating, discovering, living this life to its fullness.

This life is short. Too short.

Way too short to leave it untill tomorrow, because tomorrow might never present itself.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?"

 -mary oliver-the summer day 

old beginings

I want to blog more

to have a clean home

to lose that last bit of weight

to be a nicer girlfriend

to be kinder to my body and myself

to live an authentic existence

to no longer merely want to be all these things, but to be living a life that strives toward being the best me. to make continued and somewhat consistent efforts toward this

no longer do I wish to live life according to the urges I feel - no longer grab every single time for the quickest fix

to sit with these urges and impulses screaming at me means they will fade away. afterwards I will be stronger.

afterwards it will all be okay. it is just a matter of getting to the after

now is not the part where I will vow that 2012 will be the year, that it will all change because it is the new year. I am still the same me I was at the very start of 2011, wanting much the same as now. longing to be living life the way my heart desires.

that's the good thing about life, so many chances to give it another go.

and so today, the 3rd Jan 2012, I am giving it another go.

one urge at a time. one teeny tiny step at a time. perhaps even a whole day at a time.

I will leave you here with images of my right now, the home that is making my heart practically burst with happiness.

 I hope that you all join me in these moments of my trying to live life as me. attempting change. giving an authentic life a really good go.

much love

Dear Melanie Ann....

.....here are a few tips for you next time you are feeling down/shit:

-Starting the day with exercise makes you feel amazing. It helps with your weight loss, gives you energy and makes you a wayyyy nicer person to be around.

-Starting the day with lots of water and a piece of fruit also makes for all round nicer feeling melly. The massive amounts of caffeine you imbibe throughout the workday? Not so much. It makes you dehydrated, cranky, and super tired the next day because you haven't been able to sleep properly due to the consumption of fifty-million coffee's you drank because you were tired. Get where I am going with this one? Yup.

Sorry to be all captain obvious at you there, but you don't seem to be getting it do you? Not really sinking in is it?!

-You've more than enough "stuff" you don't need that book or dress or perfume. You want it. Big difference there. Paying the bills would be way more advisable.

Annnnd, just while I'm picking on you here - leaving the chores until later means the stuff that needs doing takes up space in your mind whilst you put it off. Five minutes now to fold washing/clear away dishes/sweep is better than two days spent avoiding it. Just sayin'

Hope you aren't super offended by my pointers here, its just that you already know all of this and continue to live life the hard way. You are seriously choosing to feel badly about yourself and to make life difficult.

It's getting old.

Again, just sayin'

(because everybody knows that adding just sayin' on the end of criticism makes it all okay)

Yours, Melanie Ann xo

big news and my life of late...

As before mentioned (or vaguely hinted at lol) in this this post I've some big news...

I've been promoted at work! YAY! I really really wanted the role, like in a all consuming/ridiculous way. My manager left (such a sweetheart whom taught me alot) and I went for it.

And got it.
Craziness. Haha, not really crazy. But surreal in a huge way. Soooooooooo happy! 

Totes deserve it. Typing that is a bit  difficult (as in super hard to admit to the world) but I do.  Lots of hours and hard work went into getting here and to reap the benefits now is just lovely.

I officially started a few weeks ago, but was care taking my store for five weeks before that whilst my manager was at another local store (that manager was on a super massive holiday, which I was super envious of but she totes deserved it)

Must be doing something right eh?

the lovely card my parents sent me :)

In case you've all been missing me, that is where I have been. Working. With an awesome team. Seriously loving the women I have on board, they are such a support to me. Yup, all women. Pretty sure that is standard in the retail sector but. My area manager is the best too. Funny as, and has heaps of experience to share.

Just loving life in general. 

Neglecting my blogging and projects but I imagine that I will get to those someday. Not someday soon.

So, to sum up...

- I've my dream job

-Himself is lovely as ever and supportive, and possibly a bit over having a tired girlfriend. Whoops :S

-My weight loss program is on hold whilst I adjust to getting paid fortnightly rather than weekly, but am missing my delivered meals. Am planning to take it back up asap as I'm just 5kilos away from goal!

-Off this weekend, and am headed off to visit with himself's family

-It is a quarter to two in the A.M. and I need to sleep a bit, but missed y'all and my blog too much to be going to bed at a semi-normal hour

-Yay for life/love/stuff ♥

busy, lazy, but mostly just tired

how I feel right now (source)

 I'm over extended emotionally, and just want to hide away. But, alas, I may not. I am having to tell people no, and prioritize certain people/things in my life of late (the past week or so) which I find a bit hard to do.
But that is okay, even though I get the guilts for turning stuff down etc, I am only one person. This one person can only do so much before burning herself out and therefore being useless.
That, and stupid effing daylight savings started on Sunday morning and my body clock is wrecked. In fact, it is a quarter to nine in the evening right now and we're sitting down to eat. It is only an hour the clocks go forward by but it has been brutal for himself and I.
So please, if you know me in real life, be kind. If you are a reader here only - know that I am not vanished into thin air and that melanie ann creative is continuing.
I've just the tireds from stuff. Because life is not all sunshine and lollipops over this way (I hate bloggers that only cover the good, and gloss over the bad)

So how was everyone else's weekend?

life as a juggling act

I've been struggling with balance. The delicate balance between what I desire career wise, my relationship, my family, myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not all 'oh life is crappy, I feel bad.'

Not that there is anything wrong with that. If I did feel that way I wouldn't hesitate to blog about it. Because I want to be true to real life on here. And my real life defo has its melly feels shitty times occasionally.

But this post is not that today.

Life is gooooooood.

Like awesomely freaking great.

Life is also changing in a day-to-day context. I am adjusting accordingly, but the changes that have been going down means that I really have had to asses what is really important to me and stick with that. Not to say that I don't totally feel super guilty about stuff because I really can't be in twenty places at once. My not having a twin/ personal assistant means I move things/people/myself onto the back burner frequently, it is just getting it 'right' I suppose.

This past week or so it has been all about working, himself and trying to catch up on house tasks. Anytime I have had off with himself has been spent just chilling, doing projects, or going on drives.

The time I have had off has consisted of my trying to get washing clean/dry/away/off the lounge room floor. Eep! Love the washing part and the having clean clothes part. The actual folding and putting away however is not my favourite thing in the world. In fact, for the past week and a half I truly have been rummaging everyday through the pile of clean washing on the lounge. I am finding that having what I desire means that I need to compromise like this. To let things slide a bit. So not easy for me and my 'everything has to be done and in its place before I can feel right' attitude. And defo not conductive to regular blogging. But practise is making for a more relaxed/balanced me.

Some stuff I have been up to in my "offline" life...

(in no particular order. mostly because I cannot remember which order they occurred in haha)

My Leah bestie came over, she bought her family with her. Twas lovely. Morgan is getting so big and grown up and it is such a joy to be a part of their lives :)

Seriously! There is a reason the whole 'kids grow up too fast' sentence is such a cliche, because it is so true :S

Myself and Himself have been thrifting a heap. We have found absolute gold!

 

That print is from letterhappy on etsy. I lovelovelove it! She is such a sweetheart too. I don't think that this will be its ultimate 'home', but since the curly-iron frame thingamy and the print were sitting around waiting to be a current project I figured they might as well hang instead.

We bought he iron-frame thingamy (anyone know what it is?) at our favourite vintage store locally. It was $28 and the lady who runs the store it such a kindred. She loves stuff with a history and we stayed for ages just chatting to her. As we left with out purchase she called out and said that she was glad to meet us and that we made her day. Lovely lady and an awesome contact to have as she is going to keep an eye out for some stuff we are after.

Probably my fave find of late has been this....

Driving home on Sunday (from markets and a picnic by the sea. Was bliss ♥) and himself spotted an old dude putting this out on the curb. It works for the radio so far, and we most likely can fix the record player in it. Stoked! Planning to play my box of eighties compilation records on it. Also found on the side of the road in this neighborhood six months ago before we lived here. Haha, I love us.

So much more to catch up on, hope to make some more time for this place here. I do so love this space since it is all mine. Himself is super encouraging of this blogging, always asking how it is all going and telling me that he likes it when I blog. What a gorgeous man he is :)

For now however, there is a load of darks in the machine, a load and a half of lights/colours and two loads of linen calling my name...

melanie ann xo

Of late.

Annnnnnd I'm alive! Haha. Believe me - there is no way of saying how excited we are to be done with the whole moving thing. Stupendously so my friends. That, and to be sitting here drinking tea (whilst I practically sit on the heater) typing this out is seriously the most excited I have been all month. 

Let me fill in the massive void of time that has passed since the last post.

 

Packing was not a huge issue once we actually got started, it was just the overwhelming dread beforehand that was the most daunting. That, and the whole sitting around playing Atari and looking at old photos were not conductive at all. We did however, pull an old suitcase out of the built-in wardrobe thinking it was empty, only to find that it was full to the brim with old cameras and accessories that himself bought at a garage sale and that we obviously never even went through (I only have about a quarter of my collection of cameras on display at once due to lack of space, and change them out every so often)

 

Who forgets they own that?!

 Getting the gazillion or so dollars together for the rental bond was a bit sketchy as we had no-where near enough saved up for it. Whoops. The real estate we rent through made life an absolute nightmare for us (not giving us all the keys anyone?!)

Getting the internet changed over was a nightmare also as we found out after a three week wait to be re-connected only to have no dial tone at all. Another week passed before they booked us a technician to come and sort it but only between the hours of 8-12 on a Friday. Handy huh? He was grumpy and rude but at least had the fact that he turned up at 8.02am playing in his favour. Turns out that when the kitchen was recently renovated the wall socket for the telephone was cut to move it, and the 'workmen' that did so chose to not re-wire. They instead just poked the old wire that lead to no-where through the hole in the floor and went on their merry way. Charming. Because I love paying $220 only to find that I was plugging my modem into the equivalent of thin air. Bastards.

The move was horrendous. Moving/lifting heavy things does not make for a happy me. In fact, manual labor of any description + me = a whole lot of tanty throwing. Hate it. Make no secret of it. More than happy to play the girl card on that one haha. 

It ended up that I lifted for the bulk of the stuff from both our places but then got to the point where we made the call to play to our strengths. He got a friend and they lifted and shifted whilst I did the cleaning and unpacking.

So yeah, a shit start but we have finally settled in and it is awesome! 

We were practically living together for a year or so previously aka himself sleeping over every night, so there aren't too many surprises on that front. We've both seen 'it all' and lived to tell the tale haha. TMI? Probably lol. 

This new place is 'ours' together though, and that it just lovely. During that nightmare-ish few weekends of moving/everything going badly, we had quite a few fun moments. Deciding which drawer to put the tea-towels in together was seriously the most fun. Sounds pretty mundane I'm sure, but to us it was our first decision together. The first room we unpacked together was the kitchen/dining actually, and it is turning out to be our favourite room to be in. Perhaps because he loves to cook and I love to watch him outwardly enjoy something so much? Or maybe even because the kitchen in my old place was so tiny and just yuck? Whatever it is I do so love being here with him. Here, in this house, this moment in time. Just so bliss filled and fun.

Truly, if I wasn't me I would make me sick with how in love I am with this gorgeous man. 

Ahem. Anyway, back on topic. My other favourite 'things' so far are -

Having my very own laundry/washing line/yard/back deck.

No more having to put a bra/pants on to put washing in the machine. Or worrying that I might have to make small talk with anyone while I hang it out (my neighbors were lovely but sometimes a gal just wants to do the chores and be left to it. That, and I am a total hermit on my days off lol)

After manymany years of share houses/units/granny flat living it is pure bliss to walk into my yard and just be.

Having a massive, nice kitchen with an oven and lots of storage.

The past few years have been lived with only a stovetop, microwave, and a tiny convection oven. Not fun.

The nicest, quietest neighbors ever!

On one side we've got a lovely older couple and their dog Emma. They are sooooo nice. Pa (not his name, but we'll respect their privacy here) brings our bins up the driveway for us on bin day and likes to show me pictures of his grandkids. Today when I was out it rained and I cursed something shocking knowing I had four loads of washing hung out. Not so. Arrived home to find it all bought in and placed outside our door. Seriously! How nice is that?!? Living in the world we do it is something like that that renews my faith in people not all being crappy to one another. I teared up a little haha

The other is the back fence of a large. leafy block so big win there! The area is proving to be quiet as. Sounding like the biggest grandma I know, but of a night, I love to sleep at a reasonable hour. And continue to stay asleep. Sometimes a big ask when living so close to others.

In any case, that is where I have been. Moving, unpacking, loving my man, loving my new house. Really hope y'all stuck around!

melanie ann xo

Kid, you’ll move mountains!

"...and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting..."

Theodor Seuss Geisel

It has been a huge week. Many many things of happened. Some of which I have mentioned here and some happenings that I can't/wont go into on here. Those are mostly 'maybe' happenings anyways, happenings that I have been wanting for quite some time that might just come to be. Soso stoked.
Of late I have been feeling a bit stuck in place. Working toward particular goals, waiting for other parts of my life to come to be in the "right" moment, not really being able to do anything much. This stuck place is not very kind to me as I am very solution orientated.

pause.breathe.repeat

This week I have...

started 7 blog posts

been overwhelmed halfway to three quarters of the way though 6 of them

heard (from myeslf) at least 10 gazillion times that I'm not good enough/a crap writter/a crap person/that I will never amount to anything and last of all that people hate me

listened at least 7 gazillion times to those yucky "voices"

went to work 3 times and truly loved it

learnt alot of stuff about life/me/everything

had one whole day of not-get out-of-bed-the-world-is-mean-PMSing

taken not one photo

discovered a new musical obsession

♥

finished one post (this is it btw)

{this moment}

{this moment} - A friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember

inspired by soulemama

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see