week five

This week has bought many challenges, and with those challenges - tiredness. When I am tired I stress easily, eat more, and am basically mean. Mostly to me but.

This weekend we hosted a BBQ for my elder sister's bday which was super fun, but it meant that my eating was a little over the top and that I find myself on day six of this weeks eating plan with extra food. Lame.

When I began this food delivery we agreed that if we were going to invest in this (and it is a total investment for our wages at present) that I had to commit to it. That I needed to do it right and stick at it. This week I feel as though I haven't really given it my all due to tiredness and excuses, and I am really disappointed in me.

But that is okay, because tomorrow is a new day. A new chance to start over. This life just keeps on giving me new opportunities to start over and of that I am super grateful.

All of the above being said, I lost almost another kilo this week so yay for that!

These work pants have gotten to the point of super-obscenely loose, they look ridiculous. But that is okay since I bought them for $4 at the salvo's. More where those came from. I've also been coming to the realization that all of my fave clothes won't be any use to me once I hit goal weight. Makes me a bit sad, which is stupid I know. But sad all the same.

In other news this week, Himself's friend (an upholsterer) made us up some awesome cushions for our day beds.

 

Our back deck area is coming together super nicely, tis a nice spot for book reading and cups of tea indeed.

We just love our little home, can't wait to own a place with Himself someday way soon ♥

How was everyone else's weekend?

the undaunted one

Today I was brave. I stood up to that inner monologue of mine many many times. That 'voice' that urges me to run and hide when something is new/scary, that tries to convince me that I'm not worth the effort or eating well/exercise/getting dressed nicely on my day off. The biggest urges of late however, have been the ones regarding eating. It was to be expected really. The more I ignore the urges the louder and more scary they appear to be, but really they can't do anything to hurt me. In the past I did a bit of ACT therapy - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which was absolutely perfect for me.

"ACT is based on the idea that, generally, trying to rid ourselves of pain and distress only increases it, and turns it into something traumatic.  The alternative is to accept it - but that doesn't mean being defeated or tolerating suffering.  We learn to make room for painful feelings, thoughts, and sensations - allowing them to be there, coming and going without us struggling against them"

source 

My Dr gave me the the demons on the boat  metaphor to read over as homework one time, this is still something I refer back to almost daily - reminding myself that it is okay, that it can't hurt me. It is just uncomfortable sometimes emotionally, and I have mostly learnt to sit with those feelings. 

Which is where the courage comes in. I am proud of how brave and strong I've been lately, it has taken a buttload of effort and it would be easier to not be brave defo.

Running means no pay off though, that I don't honour my desires and dreams. Lame.

Another thing that frightens the pants off me (don't worry not literally!) is sharing full body images of myself. Current, head to toe (clothed!!) images of me. 

Before I have lost.all.the.weight....

Eep! I'm going to be totally cliche and "feel the fear and do it anyway"
Hmm, actually, that makes my post-title into a little bit of a lie...since I am a little daunted but okay with it...

Here goes...

So, yeah. I'm awesome. A little battered but happy as and feeling super pleased with my efforts to live a life that is authentic and mindful :)

I already know that I'm a Fatty Mc Fatterson, so no mean comments. Just sayin'


melanie ann xo

before + after - weight loss

One of my earliest memories is of a boy in year three calling me 'mount everest' (last name similar to Everest, still had puppy fat and was tall early on)

It was around that time that I started being super aware of my body, and started feeling bad about my appearance. The stupid thing is that I was in no way large at the time, especially by today's standards. But I got it right into my head that I was massive and ugly early on, that there was something really wrong with me both on the outside and in. I won't go into it right now as I can't word it right, but alot of my very early life experiences left me feeling already shitty about me, and when I started getting bullied I just figured "oh yeah, sounds about right" so I kept on treating myself like shit. By year six/seven I was overweight, but not massively so. High school bought more intense bullying, and thus I kept on abusing myself with food and never really participated in sports etc. That, in my view, would of been asking for people to stare at me/judge me.

me at fifteen

Also at the time, my mother and I were really clashing (a whole other post :s ) so I moved out of home and in with my eldest 'sister'

Walking to and from school, and not having as much crap food around me meant that the weight dropped off a bit, but by this time my body image was so skewed that I couldn't really see it. I knew that I had lost a bit, but still felt massively obese.

year 12 formal - me at seventeen

After school, I spent alot of time in a very intense friendship. This friend has serious body image issues and spent alot of time hating on herself. Hearing that, and looking at her gorgeous healthy body had me feeling even more massive/ugly than ever. Every time she would criticize herself, all I was hearing was 'this slim body of mine is disgusting, and wrong so yours is unacceptable in every way.' We were fucking stunning. In fact, I was actually the slimmest I have been my entire adult life.

nineteen

Lots of drinking, eating, and hating on myself then saw me absolutely explode. Not literally, but I was so large that I'm surprised that I did not. In the period of a year and a half I put on 25-30 kgs (38ish pounds.) Not entirely sure of the exact figures as it was super yoyo when I was nineteen and hanging with my friend.

Anyhow, I got fat. But until I had to go in for some surgery and I weighed in at 101kilos, I just felt fat like always. A bit bigger, but I not as huge as I was. Anyways, being over one hundred, and seeing myself in my sister's wedding photos bought it home to me - it was time to stop. If I didn't do anything at that stage it would of gotten too hard in my mind I think, and I would have been into housebound territory within a year or so. Haha, maybe not that bad, but definitely biggest loser material.

Being 101ish kilograms (224 pounds) was stupidly uncomfortable much of the time also, especially in the summer.Warning TMI coming up - when I used to walk around alot in the workday, I would end up with bleeding sores on the inside of my thighs. True story.

So I started on a food delivery program called nushape and lost 10 kilograms in the first fortnight. My body was super shocked I think and took a little to re-adjust. It is all meals and one or two snacks a day delivered, so you don't have to think about what to eat and how much of it. Easy as.

in the image on the right I was on my way to a costume party lol

I then started to workout at curves also, and the weight steadily came down nicely. Taking lots of photos helps me as what I see in the mirror has not changed much at all. Working with a therapist regarding this stuff and more has helped a bit too.

At this stage (less than 10 kilograms from goal, gah!) for some reason I thought I could do it on my own, or that I couldn't afford it anymore. Dunno.

I couldn't and I didn't. The weight has crept back on a bit over the last year or so. To the point of 86ish kilos again. Yuck. Living/eating with a skinny/tall man whom never gains weight no matter how much crap he eats at all hours does not help at all. That, and the portion sizes have gotten massive again. Eep!

Linsey getting engaged helps though, as I really do not want to be a big bridesmaid again. That isn't the only reason that I desire to lose the weight, but has given me a clear time frame to aim for. I want to get there and stay around there. Be healthy and feel better about me.

Thus have started back on the nushape. This is week 3 and so far I have dropped 4-5kilos (didn't weigh myself at the start as I could not bear to face it lol) and plan to incorporate exercise back into it next week.

I have been too tired from work and the adjusting to less food to get there.

So yeah, dress fittings are in November and I plan to get to 68kilograms by then.

Totally doable. I also only plan to stay on the nushape for 12 or so weeks for all meals, and then just get the lunches. Figure that gives me enough time to re-train me into eating what my body needs, and good portion sizing habits.

one week ago

Himself is already commenting that my face looks slimmer, and I do feel a bit better already. So yay for that!

I also created private group on facebook for myself, the bride, and another bridesmaid as we all have certain goals we wish to reach. It is helping me stay accountable and focused.

Here is hoping that this blog might also halp, so if you are reading this let me know with a 'hello' in the comments. My weght loss journey is a big focus of mine presently so I will enjoy sharing it here with you kids anyhow.

Tis twenty to midnight, and I have had a big day at work so until next time we meet...

melanie ann xo

oh, ps. i am in no way affiliated with any of the abovementioned companies, just sharing what has worked for me in the past and what I am doing now re:weightloss.