Back to the beginning...again

There is so much that I desire in this life. For myself, my relationship, for my future child/children.
I know the steps that I need to take to get there.
A loose time frame for what I wish to achieve.

Yet I continue to lose time and go in circles.

My anxiety surrounding this wasting of life is all consuming at times.

And still, I fail to progress in any way. Actually, I have gone backward in some aspects so I guess that is some form of progress lol.

Knowing the issues, knowing how to get there, even knowing where to start is very very different from actually doing.

Being mindful enough to pause, recognise the urges for what they are, to make choices that will be in line with my desires for this life. It seems impossible right now to me, but it is the only way to stop avoiding life.

Sure, I am alive but I have not been living at all.

So today I begin. Right now, this moment. Not tomorrow, or "later". This instant. Again.

As hard as I am on myself, being aware enough to know there is more to life and to not be content with 'good enough' is such a blessing. I am only 26 yet I know people decades older that are so very unhappy and have not lived. Sure I have missed much of my youth due to sickness, and having to re-learn alot of basics in my early twenties, but I still have much ahead of me.

So much living to do!

Bitterness be gone

In my heart I have so many dreams and desires for my life. They may not seem significant to many, and sometimes I myself don't feel as though they are "enough" I don't have these huge plans for world domination, or fame, or even massive wealth. A house of my own, a bubba on my hip, and the love of my life by my side would mean more than all of the gazillion dollars in the world.

 To be a mamma, to love and to be loved back. To make a difference in my world.

 To break this cycle of hatred, bitterness, and dwelling on the past that is ever present in my family.

 It breaks my heart that they can not see the ramifications of their actions. To walk away from it all, to be unforgiving or unable to see that life is not black and white. Family, in my experience anyhow, can be pretty effing frustrating and hurtful at times. They might behave in hurtful ways, break trust time and time again, manipulate etc etc. But they are your family. Your blood, part of who you are today. The world is full enough hate, I cannot fathom actively clinging to such bitterness, of becoming so twisted.
 I can fully appreciate pulling back and protecting yourself and your loves, for that is what I have done myself. Put myself first and done what is best. It is possible to forgive but not put yourself in a position where you will be hurt again. Just sayin'

 "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned" 

- Buddha

 This running away and shutting people out of your life just perpetuates the cycle. Now I know I don't have children yet, but I hope when (and if) I do that I have enough sense to be leading by example. To be forgiving, treating myself and others with respect, to know who I am and have the guts to be that person.
 I know that I missed out on many key life experiences and relationships in my childhood because of bitterness and anger. I would not want any child of mine to have me in the way of knowing their family or of having such relationships (that is within reason of course)
I guess what I am saying - is that I love and miss my sister and hate that I have to miss out on so much because of hate and other peoples actions that have nothing much to do with me. Because I choose to forgive someone does not mean for a second that I condone their actions in the slightest. It simply means that I choose better, that I do not want my life to be the same.

I'm changing the story, starting now.